Embracing the Bitter Foreigner In Me

It's just a phase...

I am grumpy this week. Part of it (a BIG part of it) is due to PMS, but another part is due to the fact that I now have to travel to three different schools to teach and have started teaching a new class I feel I know nothing about. Plus, Chinese classes have started again which increases my busyness.

One thing that is pissing me off is that I am so fucking tired of people telling me I need to exercise more. I thought that ended with my ex, but apparently every god damn person in Taiwan...even my fellow expats give me that patronizing bullshit!

"I don't understand why you don't like bike riding or hiking?" And other crap like that. Because I don't! Thats why!!

Why the fuck are you so worried about me and my exercise habits?? Go worry about your own god damn life!!

I was doing good with the exercise and I was exercising for ME!!! Not for anyone else, but now that my schedule is back to busy, I am either too busy or too fucking exhausted to exercise. I just want to relax my mind and people giving me shit about exercise and my lack of confidence isn't helping.

Plus, it doesn't help someone's confidence if people are CONSTANTLY criticizing their lack of self confidence! Geez!

But I did get my hair cut and I love it!! I feel good! But now I need to work on my inner self confidence!

Now, my colleagues are great! I seem to get along with them fine, but yesterday I got really annoyed at the topic of "I'm too skinny" "

They were complaining that they were too skinny!! Now they are NOT Taiwanese, they are American. VERY nice colleagues but I was just so pissed!!

Jesus Christ how I would LOVE to be able to say that!!! I can't eat the fucking food here because I blow up like a god damn balloon...My legs are already cellulite enough and having a salad and tuna salad every day for lunch is the only thing that is helping me maintain my weight at an average weight...all I kept thinking was "$%^& you all and your $%#$%#$% skinny bodies!!!"

I even have students tell me I'm fat sometimes...although I ignore them, because they are kids and they don't know better. And as I mentioned before...my underwear size is a L or XL here when it was a S-M in the Western world...

Plus, I am missing my fambly a little bit. It's been a year since I've seen them and it will have been a year and a half when I see them at Christmas. I miss cuddling on the couch with da Booboo and watching Little Britain DVDs or watching "The Grinch" cartoon and decorating the Christmas Tree and sipping on yummy gluhwein! I am so excited to see them!!!

OK...OK...I'm done doing the whining shit...

On a positive note. I am glad Chinese classes started. My classmates seem to be at a bit of a higher level than me and even though I'm not one of the best students in the class anymore...I am happy because this means I will work harder to be as good as my classmates. This will prove to be a challenge for me and I hope I can pass with flying colors :) Learning Chinese and becoming fluent has now become a definite goal for me. Not only do I enjoy learning the language and have met some great people because of it, but this could really get my foot in the business door. Higher Salary, paid vacations and better benefits.

Don't get me wrong!! I love teaching English, but you have a better chance to support yourself financially if you have a job in the business world and can speak English and Chinese (maybe I will have a chance to speak German or Dutch to potential clients??)


One last thing I wanted to mention before I finish:

I'm going to Thailand in October. This is going to be a test of self strength and this should also prove to be a confidence booster. It is dangerous to go alone, but at the time, I had no one to go with me when I booked the trip. But if I am VERY VERY careful then this could be a great experience for me!! Like i said..I just have to be careful!!!
Plus, by then I will be crying for a vacation away from work! I want to lay out by the poolside bar and go snorkeling :) It will be great! :)

Night View of Taichung City...a refreshing way to cleanse myself of the "Bitter Foreigner"
:)

Cutting the Ties That Bind

Actually, I have been thinking about this haircut that I'm going to get on Saturday and how everyone probably thinks I'm being ridiculous spending NT$800 on a haircut here (when you can get one for NT$100) not to mention the anti-frizz line they have out now that I am going to buy a couple products of. But I feel I need this.

I also have been thinking about this phenomenon(if you even call it that) of women who get their haircuts after a bad break-up, divorce or after something negative that affected their life. It seems silly and cliché to do such a thing, but there is a rhyme behind the reason, emotionally and symbolically.

Getting your haircut after something negative and significant means you are literally cutting off the negativity that held you back for whatever time. With each strand being cut away, you are closer to freedom, a chance at a positive change, a new outlook on life or maybe even a new life altogether.

You have embraced the past and now you are moving on to bigger and better and more beautiful things. That is what I am doing although on a somewhat smaller scale. Some previous negativity has creeped back into my life as well as new negativity haunting me and now it is time to cut it off to be swept away and put into the garbage can to disintegrate into the world and hopefully reincarnate into more positive energy.

I have very low self-esteem...always have and hopefully NOT always will. Even when I was 14-15 years old with a super thin body and boys crushing on me...I always felt like an ugly monster. But I wasn't! This holds true still today so I have decided to stop this nonsense!

How can others love me if I don't love myself, so I have been working on loving myself. Exercising more, reading uplifting books, remembering ALL the time everything I'm grateful for! and now starting to take care of myself better.

Ironically, when I was ten years old I hated brushing my hair. My mom would have to sit every night after my bath, spray "Johnson and Johnson's No More Tangles" into my hair and brush all the wretched tangles out while I whined and complained and constantly yelled "OW!"

18 years later, I take better care of my hair. I don't style it nice or anything, but I make sure that it is well conditioned and brushed. Although, in the heat, it is impossible with sweat, heat, and the wind from riding your scooter as mentioned before. And I need hair products that help alleviate these problems so that I can feel good about myself instead of going to work or going out with extremely hard and frizzy and UNMANAGEABLE hair...All these Taiwanese girls have beautiful shiny black hair(even in this HEAT and humidity) and then I come along looking like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz!

In all honesty..20% of this is to be attractive to men(which is what I shouldn't do but I believe it is better to be honest) and the 80% is for ME!

My stepdad took me last June to a salon in Amsterdam where I got this amazing hair cut and color and we both got facials...Haha! It was a great transition for me and even though I won't be getting my hair colored until November(Getting it done now is ridiculous because the sun fades my hair and the water here in Taiwan adds to that not helping. )

I am starting to feel good about myself for the first time in my life and I want to achieve my other goals as well.

I need this.

Viva La Vida and My Unwelcome Visitors

Coldplay- "Viva La Vida"

I picked this as a title, because I think it is important to live life in a positive, safe yet fun way and to be grateful for what you have yet always strive for better. Plus, I love this song!

I had a very good weekend.

Things are going OK for me...NOT smashingly perfect, but I'm happy (although I want to strive for more).

But...there is always that BIG fear that I'm going to fuck it all up. This feels like a Bridget Jones's Diary moment.

I LOVE this quote from Bridget Jones!! :)
Bridget: "Next time I will not fuck it up Mom." Mother: "Language darling." Bridget: "Sorry. Next time I will not fuck it up Mother."


Anyways, to help me with my confidence, I am going to get my hair cut at an Aveda salon at the new Department store on Gong Yi Road. It's pricey of course, but my hair is in BAD SHAPE. The heat, the sweat, the humidity, and riding my scooter has destroyed my hair! I used to go to a place on Iie Jong Jie and only paid NT$1500 but they never seem to really cut it enough that the split ends are gone...I always show them where I want it cut, but they always do the slightest trim.

The Aveda clerk gave me a sample of one of their new products to make frizzy hair smooth for blow dry and/or straightening...I used it last night and my hair was gorgeous! It hasn't looked that good in months and the ONLY time it had looked that good was RIGHT after a trip to the salon!

I need major confidence boosters and I can't rely on people to give me compliments to make me feel better...I need to do that myself! I need to make myself better-inside AND out!

As for my UNwelcome guests...I have ants in my apartment. They are coming from the shower drain and from the outside of my door. It has made me crazy trying to get rid of them! Today I cleaned up my apartment and they are gone...for now...I REALLY need to find ant repellant and more ant traps. Maybe I should do that one day this week! CRAP! As I said that the $%#@% came back!!!!!!

Well..it's off to shower and then relax and read "Elements of Style"

I'm grateful for many things and hope I can strive to achieve my goals!!

Taipei Zoo Field Trip

So today I went to the Taipei Zoo with a bunch of students from my school. At first, I was worried because I wasn't sure how the students would act and I was told I had to play games with the students and I had to get up at 7am!!!

But...once we all got together and were on the bus I ended up having a great day!! The students behaved soooooooo well!! Most of them even tried to speak English most of the time around me :) Even though I don't teach any of them, I was still proud of them!

There was even one boy who sat with me on the bus and even when the teachers would speak Chinese to him, he'd answer in English and he is only in middle level!! But...I think he had a crush on me because he kept trying to give me food and kept offering to do all these little things like throw away my trash. He even kept telling me that I am pretty and that I'm thin and kept saying, "Eat. you need to eat!" At the end of the trip he even asked me if I had a boyfriend. He also told one of my colleagues that he wanted to switch into my class since I teach at his school. Haha! I think he was a little guardian angel to help me see that I am a good person and tell me that I'm not fat, old and ugly. Sometimes we hear it from inside, but sometimes we need an external push to realize that we aren't as ugly or old or fat as we think we are!

Now if only I could find someone MY AGE that was like that. He was such a good kid and so he was one of my many Lil Buddies. I had a little clique of students and they would speak English to me and teach me Chinese and I would tell them about the animals in English and where they are from. One girl even told me (genuinely) that she learned a lot today. That really made my day!

All in all it was a fun day! Even though I want to get my Master's and try to really get my foot in the business door one day, at least I will have these great memories!

So here are the pics I took...not many because I forgot to delete old pics :(

Closeup of my fave Guanyin statue in Taichung County

On the bus

The group photo...although Taipei was HUMID and we were all dripping with sweat!

My Lil Buddies!

More Lil Buddies!

In the Penguin exhibit

Red Ear Sliders-we had two in Ohio

I wuv da elephants! Soo cute!

One of my fave pics! I want that Koala bag!

My colleague gave each an animal :)

Getting ready to go home!

Everyone says good good eat? Yes, they do...these snacks are yummy, but the package's English struck me funny.

John McCain VS Paris Hilton

Apparently McCain used the image of Paris without permission so this is the cause and the outcome...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

On a personal note, I have a social life again and have booked my trip to Thailand :)

Enjoy and I'll write soon!

Tsaotun slideshow

Just one thing to say, unfortunately because there is no other way:

Du weisst wer du bist. Ich will es nicht mehr sagen. Lass mich allein! Du hast eine freundin! Instead of stalking my blog, go be with her! Nicht mehr zu sagen...punkt.

I hate posting drama on blogs...it's so pathetic, but this has to stop. I'm tired of men who beg for pity and worst of all..pity themselves. I know I have a tendency to pity myself but at least I notice it or if not, someone will give me a "mental" kick-in-the-ass and knock me out of it!

Anyway, that is all for that...it's finished.

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On a more positive note here are the doggies from the shelter!!

Enjoy :)