Winds of Change Blowing the Past Away...

As a thank-you for helping out around the house and taking care of things, my step-dad took me to a salon and I got to have a make-over.

My hair is cut nicely (but still at a medium length), it is one color (Chocolate brown) super shiny and even got to have a facial! He had a facial and his hair cut too!! I am so grateful for all the good things that have happened to me. I am even grateful for the bad things because I am learning from them and it makes me appreciate life better.

So now my hair is cut and colored and I feel that I can finally shake off the bitterness from my past, especially the past year and move forward with my life! Time to be strict with myself, lose ten pounds (Yeah, I'm a Buffalo Chick now), work harder on my CELTA course as well as getting to Taiwan...I can't lose sight of my goal! It is just within my reach!

Things are changing, I can literally smell it in the air. I just hope I can deal with it and that it is positive!

Positive Motivation Wins Every Time

I feel so much better today!

I finished my first CELTA Pre-Course Task (done by my school) of 20 or so pages and on to my next one from Cambridge. It was a little difficult and I am still worried about my lack of memorization with the grammar and tenses, but it seems I am good at the phonemics..kind of. It's like cracking a code and when I was a little girl, I used to LOVE cracking codes in my Nancy Drew codebook!!

Anyway, what has made me feel better about my situation?

The thought of those Taiwanese hot springs...

Immersing myself in sulfuric water or mud and letting it dissolve my cares.
Sulfur is apparently good for acne and at 26, I still get very bad pimples (except not serious acne, but any pimple is BAD).

Last night was a "Rain Man" night for me. It seemed like anything I said upset people and I hope I didn't upset my ORM. He's most important to me right now. He's been so helpful answering all of my silly questions. I am going to try to bring a little something for him like a small souvenir from Holland. It's the LEAST I can do for him as a thank you for putting up with me and all my problems!! :)

So I feel better today although still nervous about my paperwork and my class, but I know once August 24th comes, it will have been worth it...I've worked my arse off to get to this point and have done it in about 7 months. I've sacrificed friends, social life, shopping (hey! for a girl that's a big deal!!), well...EVERYTHING social to get to this point and it is NOT going to go unrewarded and I will NOT screw this up! I've been researching day in and day out since February on English teaching and Asia and this will happen! I am willing this to happen!

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

- Japanese Proverb

“Focus on the task at thand and give it your best. Climb one mountain at a time, starting with the one in front of you.”

- Taro Gold

Paranoia and fear set in...

Do you ever have days where you just never say anything right?

Do you ever have days where no matter what you say people always get offended and huffy with you?

Or maybe it's just you? Are you paranoid?

I do and I am.

There are days when I feel like I can never say anything without completely annoying someone or pissing someone off...

There are days when I feel like my mouth is jelly.

I just can't say anything anymore without royally upsetting my friends and perfect strangers...

What is wrong with me?? I feel like crap because all I want to do is keep my old friends and make some new ones and I can't do either!!

I'm just annoyed and bitter and it has to stop!!!!

I need to get out of this emotional rut! I can't take it anymore!

I'm going to bed...I need to get up bright and early to study tomorrow! Next monday-my teaching class and I am sooooooo nervous!!!!

So far, things are good for Taiwan...I'm nervous about that too, because I'm afraid something bad will happen and it will slip from my fingers like all those other things have...those empty promises...I NEED THIS!!!!!!!!

Wanderlust im Mein Herz

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wanderlust


I'm itchin' to get out! I have a job! I will be reviewing the acceptance packet very soon.

My parents asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this and that they can't bail me out anymore, especially if I'm in Taiwan, but I want to do this! I want to work at this company! I watch the videos and have done all the research and it feels right!

Nothing is perfect and I'm going to have many days where I want to rip my hair out or get tired of hearing only Mandarin outside of the classroom, and not being able to watch anything in English(In Holland everyhting is in original language with subtitles) or even speak to the locals... but think of all the GREAT things!!! If this is what it takes for me to be a better person and to learn so be it!

I have to get out on my own! Besides, I've been through these processes and culture shocks in Germany and Holland...I can't avoid culture shock, but I know I will have it and that is the first step!

I am going to end this before I start to sound like a broken record, but...

YAY! I got a job!!!

The Turtle Comes Out of the Shell...

I am 99% sure I am going to accept this job that has been offered to me. Well, I am 100% mentally sure and 99% physically sure (that 1% is based on the talk my step-dad and I are going to have tonight).
I have made a lot of mistakes and my family just want to be sure that I am going to go through with this and not put myself in any dependent or even dangerous situations, which is completely understandable.
But I have never been so sure of anything before in my LIFE! I know that I am going to run into MANY problems while in Taiwan, such as the language (No roman letters there really...) as well as the fact that I am THOUSANDS of miles from anyone I know! But this something I have to do! I have to make myself a better person! I need to see the world, especially Asia! This school offers some great opportunities and I don't want to miss out on that!

As for making new friends, I am worried. I haven't been very good to the friends I have now. I tend to distance myself from my friends, especially when I'm busy. Plus, I get so self-conscious around people. I always feel like I can never say anything without feeling like a fool. I always think, "Why can't I just be normal and say normal things, instead of sounding like recluse!" I always feel like I am annoying people!

I really hope that I can make good friends there and still be in contact with the ones here! I have been here for about 8 months now and have only gone out 2-3 times(in the last 8 months) with my own friends, if that, and that was just with my one girlfriend here. I haven't done anything social on my own these past 8 months. I haven't had the money(plus I needed to strive to get on my own). So, that is why I'm worried about making friends.

No expectations, that is all I need to remember...

Lost in the Depths of the Sentence Diagram

I think I am growing to love something I have hated my entire life! After studying my [advanced] English grammar, I an still having trouble remembering ALL of the tenses and where all of these said tenses as well as the other parts of speech go in sentences. I speak this language almost EVERY second of EVERY day, yet I am not at the stage where I can explain this to someone who is learning this language. That worries me a little bit.

So, I have been doing research on sentence diagramming. Something that I dreaded doing in school, has now become my obsession and you know what? It is actually interesting!! I think I am beginning to like this! It's like playing a word puzzle, but for grammar nerds (no offense, apparently, I am becoming one myself).

I don't know if it will make me a better writer, but I sure hope this will help me to remember all that I need to know! Just reading the textbook alone isn't helping.

My "Christmas Melange" tea is calling me...

My Self-Conscious Little Contemplations

I have been contemplating silly little questions in my head for a few months about getting a teaching job in Taiwan/Asia. Now that I am waiting to hear back from schools, I am starting to get self-conscious and worry about whether I'll be hired or not and for what reason(s). I've had a lot of bad interviews in the past and that has traumatized my self-esteem.

My logic, and outside resources tell me that they are in serious demand of English teachers in Asia/Taiwan, but can I deal with the rejection, especially if this thought is in my head?

What if I am thinking, "Oh they are definitely going to hire me! They need me! I have the skills and the drive for this position!" and then BOOM! I'm rejected on the spot!

How am I going to deal? If I'm not hired, then I have to get a job at another chain school...no biggie, life goes on...

But I want THIS school! They have almost everything I need (I say that because NO ONE and NOTHING have everything i need) and I have what they need!! I've heard many bad things about working for chain schools, but I need to start somewhere! I need to develop my skills and grow as a better teacher and person!
I want a set curriculum for my first year so that I can get the hang of things! I won't mind having co-teacher!

I'll be positive! I promise! I won't be like I was when I was an Au Pair! I am learning how to create positive environments now! I can adapt :)

You need me and I need you, so c'mon! Let's make this work baby!