Exhaustion Pours Over Me As I Smile Contently

After a few months of hard work, beating myself up mentally, lots of stress, never-ending feelings of failure and doubt as to whether I will be making this trip in August I am finally getting some results...

I passed my CELTA course yesterday with a BANG!!! I had to teach a grammar lesson with a focus on "Hypothetical Conditionals If only... and I wish..." to the upper-intermediate class...
And I got a good grade on it! Everyone in my group and my tutor said that I was a completely different person so that gives me hope! I can be a teacher!!!

Today we ate at Jamie Oliver's restaurant in Amsterdam "Fifteen" and I have to admit, the food was GREAT!!!

So, I have plane tickets to Taiwan!

On a different note, I am still exhausted from the course...I kept falling asleep on the bus home today because everytime at 16:45-18:00 I was WORN out from the class and got into this habit of dozing off on my way home on the tram and I'm still in that pattern.

Well, I am gonna go and play around on here and then go to bed...

Yay! I'm a teacher ;)

My honest opinion=CELTA worthwhile

NOT that other certificate courses aren't as I wouldn't know, but...

I would just like to say that I will be finishing up on my last day of the INTENSIVE 4-week CELTA course here in Amsterdam and I just had to say, if you are thinking about CELTA and can handle the massive pressure then DO IT!!! Not only for that piece of paper, but for the teaching, experience, rise in confidence and overall better feeling that you are more prepared to face the world of teaching ESL/EFL/ESOL/etc.

I have learned more in these 4 weeks that I probably have in my entire university career! I was put to the test(s) and even though most of us broke down at some point or another, we all feel better in the end and agree that we have come a LONG way!

And even though my grammar may still be horrible on here, I actually feel a little bit better about teaching grammar (even though I'm still bad at it ;) )!!

Ok, so that is my two cents ;)

"Try to make a move just to stay in the game,

I try to stay awake and remember my name, but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same..." - Keane

My performance as a teacher is decreasing rapidly this week. It is the last week of this course and I feel like I'm digressing instead of progressing. I broke down crying in the bathroom 3 times after the teaching sessions. We're all stressed and a few of us have already had breakdowns and I've been holding it all in for three weeks and I just let it all out today in the bathroom. I kept having to go back because I didn't want my peers to see me burst out in tears...it is so uncomfortable.

I don't want to fail. I've failed enough and have made way too many mistakes and I don't want to fail this too!!!!

The heavens are sobbing with me...Heartbreak is nothing compared to failure...

Am I unfit as a teacher? I am fine with elementary students but panic with intermediate and upper-intermediate students. I am not going to give up, but I just can't stop crying!!!
I keep thinking about the lesson today and I feel worse and worse and so embrarrassed.

So I am going to bed...It is only 20:15(8:15 pm), but I am going to do my reading in bed.

The truth is, the week isn't going to get any better for me. I teach Wednesday and I don't have a clue as to what I am doing (What else is new?) and Friday I have to teach...conditionals...

I swear to effyouseekaying gawd that this is bad karma for something horrible I did because I had to teach cobnditionals in my interview for the CELTA course back in March, then I had to teach conditionals last week in intermediate and now...for my LAST class EVER I have to teach ...
CONDITIONALS!!!!!!!!! And I STILL don't know how to explain the effyouseekayers to students!!!!!!!!!!!!


I hope like hell that everyone is right and that the grammar will come to me as I keep teaching because I don't seem to be progressing in the grammar department!!!!!

The Fish and the Sea Revisited

If the fish are nibbling, take it slow. Is it best to dip your feet while keeping the rest of you as close to the shore as possible? I can't stay in the water too long or else I will shrivel.

Why are there so many contemplations about this? I don't want to be afraid of the sea anymore and especially not of the jellyfish that frequent the shallow surface. Why must the waters be so troublesome? Even a low tide can rise. Even a tidal wave can slam the shores.

Someday you will understand and maybe I will too...

Second Thoughts About the Sea

I'm not ready for the sea and especially not for the stinging jellyfish.

The last time I was in the sea, I nearly drowned and was constantly stung by a one spineless cloudy jellyfish clinging on to me for dear life...
I'm still healing from those stings. I'm not ready to take my sandal off and wade in the water...the tide will pull me in and spit me back out. The fish don't even know I'm there and when they do know, I scare them off.

The fish swim around in their schools and all I do is wish that I was among them. I want to be ready! The water looks so nice...


When will I be ready?

Waiting to Wade

I think I am ready. After August I am going to dip my feet into the sea that so many fish swim. But I might drown if I try to swim with the other fish so I will stay in the shallow end for a while. I want to wade and splash water, but am afraid of the stinging jellyfish. More and more jellyfish are showing themselves on the surface and I must avoid them. A single sting might not hurt after awhile but one can die from a thousand stings. I don't think I can take anymore.

But...if I dip my feet slowly, splash lightly and avoid the jellyfish, I am fine :)

I just have to remember to keep smiling and stay positive and maybe I will come face to face with another who's also feeling the soft playfulness of the tide. Sometimes I think that would be nice, but I am just as happy dry and on land as I am dipping my feet in the sea that so many fish swim


:)

Am I really 27??

27-years-old. That is how old I am.

I had to teach yesterday and thought I did really bad, but my tutor gave me a B+ so that makes me happy! So I must be doing something right!

But the thing is...even though I'm stressed and always worrying about my lesson plan and stuff and even though I felt like I taught like shite yesterday, I am NOT deterred from teaching!!! I love it!! I don't EVER feel like giving up which is the first time I've ever felt like that!!

And even after my class, one girl came up to me and thanked me and told me I did a great job!!! The one thing about students is that sometimes people (like me) come in and forget that these are people and intelligent people at that!! These people (young and old) have emotions and feelings and have the ability to express them in their own language...they just need help to learn to be able to do it on their own in English...Just because a non-native English speaker comes up and says "uhhhhh" a lot and can't speak doesn't mean they don't know what they are saying....Quite the opposite!!! They KNOW what they want to say, they just can't express it in English and it is frustrating for them! I empathize because I've been there...How many times have I had that problem here in Holland, in Germany...in France where I don't even speak the language!!! Plus, I will be doing the same in about a month...Hell, I have to learn an ENTIRE set of new characters!!! No romanized Alphabet there!!!

I am meeting some GREAT people, teachers AND students and I absolutely cannot WAIT to get to Taiwan and meet MORE wonderful people!!! :)

Speaking of Taiwan, the tutor that my group has now, taught in Taiwan!!!!! I swear this must be my destiny!!!

I have ten minutes before I go catch the tram. I have a sore throat and don't feel very good and I have to teach tomorrow, but I just have to take the bad with the good...

Things are gonna be fine :)