Winds of Change Blowing the Past Away...

As a thank-you for helping out around the house and taking care of things, my step-dad took me to a salon and I got to have a make-over.

My hair is cut nicely (but still at a medium length), it is one color (Chocolate brown) super shiny and even got to have a facial! He had a facial and his hair cut too!! I am so grateful for all the good things that have happened to me. I am even grateful for the bad things because I am learning from them and it makes me appreciate life better.

So now my hair is cut and colored and I feel that I can finally shake off the bitterness from my past, especially the past year and move forward with my life! Time to be strict with myself, lose ten pounds (Yeah, I'm a Buffalo Chick now), work harder on my CELTA course as well as getting to Taiwan...I can't lose sight of my goal! It is just within my reach!

Things are changing, I can literally smell it in the air. I just hope I can deal with it and that it is positive!

Positive Motivation Wins Every Time

I feel so much better today!

I finished my first CELTA Pre-Course Task (done by my school) of 20 or so pages and on to my next one from Cambridge. It was a little difficult and I am still worried about my lack of memorization with the grammar and tenses, but it seems I am good at the phonemics..kind of. It's like cracking a code and when I was a little girl, I used to LOVE cracking codes in my Nancy Drew codebook!!

Anyway, what has made me feel better about my situation?

The thought of those Taiwanese hot springs...

Immersing myself in sulfuric water or mud and letting it dissolve my cares.
Sulfur is apparently good for acne and at 26, I still get very bad pimples (except not serious acne, but any pimple is BAD).

Last night was a "Rain Man" night for me. It seemed like anything I said upset people and I hope I didn't upset my ORM. He's most important to me right now. He's been so helpful answering all of my silly questions. I am going to try to bring a little something for him like a small souvenir from Holland. It's the LEAST I can do for him as a thank you for putting up with me and all my problems!! :)

So I feel better today although still nervous about my paperwork and my class, but I know once August 24th comes, it will have been worth it...I've worked my arse off to get to this point and have done it in about 7 months. I've sacrificed friends, social life, shopping (hey! for a girl that's a big deal!!), well...EVERYTHING social to get to this point and it is NOT going to go unrewarded and I will NOT screw this up! I've been researching day in and day out since February on English teaching and Asia and this will happen! I am willing this to happen!

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

- Japanese Proverb

“Focus on the task at thand and give it your best. Climb one mountain at a time, starting with the one in front of you.”

- Taro Gold

Paranoia and fear set in...

Do you ever have days where you just never say anything right?

Do you ever have days where no matter what you say people always get offended and huffy with you?

Or maybe it's just you? Are you paranoid?

I do and I am.

There are days when I feel like I can never say anything without completely annoying someone or pissing someone off...

There are days when I feel like my mouth is jelly.

I just can't say anything anymore without royally upsetting my friends and perfect strangers...

What is wrong with me?? I feel like crap because all I want to do is keep my old friends and make some new ones and I can't do either!!

I'm just annoyed and bitter and it has to stop!!!!

I need to get out of this emotional rut! I can't take it anymore!

I'm going to bed...I need to get up bright and early to study tomorrow! Next monday-my teaching class and I am sooooooo nervous!!!!

So far, things are good for Taiwan...I'm nervous about that too, because I'm afraid something bad will happen and it will slip from my fingers like all those other things have...those empty promises...I NEED THIS!!!!!!!!

Wanderlust im Mein Herz

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wanderlust


I'm itchin' to get out! I have a job! I will be reviewing the acceptance packet very soon.

My parents asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this and that they can't bail me out anymore, especially if I'm in Taiwan, but I want to do this! I want to work at this company! I watch the videos and have done all the research and it feels right!

Nothing is perfect and I'm going to have many days where I want to rip my hair out or get tired of hearing only Mandarin outside of the classroom, and not being able to watch anything in English(In Holland everyhting is in original language with subtitles) or even speak to the locals... but think of all the GREAT things!!! If this is what it takes for me to be a better person and to learn so be it!

I have to get out on my own! Besides, I've been through these processes and culture shocks in Germany and Holland...I can't avoid culture shock, but I know I will have it and that is the first step!

I am going to end this before I start to sound like a broken record, but...

YAY! I got a job!!!

The Turtle Comes Out of the Shell...

I am 99% sure I am going to accept this job that has been offered to me. Well, I am 100% mentally sure and 99% physically sure (that 1% is based on the talk my step-dad and I are going to have tonight).
I have made a lot of mistakes and my family just want to be sure that I am going to go through with this and not put myself in any dependent or even dangerous situations, which is completely understandable.
But I have never been so sure of anything before in my LIFE! I know that I am going to run into MANY problems while in Taiwan, such as the language (No roman letters there really...) as well as the fact that I am THOUSANDS of miles from anyone I know! But this something I have to do! I have to make myself a better person! I need to see the world, especially Asia! This school offers some great opportunities and I don't want to miss out on that!

As for making new friends, I am worried. I haven't been very good to the friends I have now. I tend to distance myself from my friends, especially when I'm busy. Plus, I get so self-conscious around people. I always feel like I can never say anything without feeling like a fool. I always think, "Why can't I just be normal and say normal things, instead of sounding like recluse!" I always feel like I am annoying people!

I really hope that I can make good friends there and still be in contact with the ones here! I have been here for about 8 months now and have only gone out 2-3 times(in the last 8 months) with my own friends, if that, and that was just with my one girlfriend here. I haven't done anything social on my own these past 8 months. I haven't had the money(plus I needed to strive to get on my own). So, that is why I'm worried about making friends.

No expectations, that is all I need to remember...

Lost in the Depths of the Sentence Diagram

I think I am growing to love something I have hated my entire life! After studying my [advanced] English grammar, I an still having trouble remembering ALL of the tenses and where all of these said tenses as well as the other parts of speech go in sentences. I speak this language almost EVERY second of EVERY day, yet I am not at the stage where I can explain this to someone who is learning this language. That worries me a little bit.

So, I have been doing research on sentence diagramming. Something that I dreaded doing in school, has now become my obsession and you know what? It is actually interesting!! I think I am beginning to like this! It's like playing a word puzzle, but for grammar nerds (no offense, apparently, I am becoming one myself).

I don't know if it will make me a better writer, but I sure hope this will help me to remember all that I need to know! Just reading the textbook alone isn't helping.

My "Christmas Melange" tea is calling me...

My Self-Conscious Little Contemplations

I have been contemplating silly little questions in my head for a few months about getting a teaching job in Taiwan/Asia. Now that I am waiting to hear back from schools, I am starting to get self-conscious and worry about whether I'll be hired or not and for what reason(s). I've had a lot of bad interviews in the past and that has traumatized my self-esteem.

My logic, and outside resources tell me that they are in serious demand of English teachers in Asia/Taiwan, but can I deal with the rejection, especially if this thought is in my head?

What if I am thinking, "Oh they are definitely going to hire me! They need me! I have the skills and the drive for this position!" and then BOOM! I'm rejected on the spot!

How am I going to deal? If I'm not hired, then I have to get a job at another chain school...no biggie, life goes on...

But I want THIS school! They have almost everything I need (I say that because NO ONE and NOTHING have everything i need) and I have what they need!! I've heard many bad things about working for chain schools, but I need to start somewhere! I need to develop my skills and grow as a better teacher and person!
I want a set curriculum for my first year so that I can get the hang of things! I won't mind having co-teacher!

I'll be positive! I promise! I won't be like I was when I was an Au Pair! I am learning how to create positive environments now! I can adapt :)

You need me and I need you, so c'mon! Let's make this work baby!

Soy Milk in My Vanilla Tea.

Beginning of a new day.

It is time to achieve.

-Haiku by me

Waxing poetic is fun!

Here is another:

Peace and Quiet.
Bask in such rare commodities.
Let the sleeping dog lie.
- Another Haiku by me

I know nothing. No news on the school. Still behind on studies. I picked some lavender from our front garden and put some in a vase and have a bunch drying in the attic. It will be used for my cocoa, honey, yogurt(which might be substituted with soy milk), oatmeal, mint& chamomile tea face mask.

Ok one last Haiku by me:

Caught the Travel Bug.
The Lonely Planet beckons.
Make it happen.

Wii will be connected...

Ok, so my step-dad ordered a Wii a few days ago and we are waiting until it gets here. Mom is back in the states for a few weeks getting some "bidnez"(business for those of you who don't speak Lazy English) and what not taken care of. Like cleaning out our storage. So since she is gone my step-dad and I are waiting for the Wii to be delivered and see how it works!

Haha! This isn't going to help my motivation to study, in fact this might deteriorate my motivation ;) Actually it won't because I will be studying during the day when I have "me" time and then at night is "Wii" time. I think we will be getting the Zelda game as well! Yay! I love watching Zelda! And it'll relax my step-dad which is what he needs more than ANYTHING now!!!! Plus it will get us moving around, even if it is a video game and we need more movement!

Also, a few nights ago, I went out with some girls [who know my mom] as they were having a "hen party" I was having dinner with my girlfriend (at a yummy Thai restaurant in Nieuwmarkt-it has a purple elephant on the sign) and she mentioned that she wanted to see them, so we did! It was so much fun! I think I had a little bit too much Retsina though...it was going down a lot smoother than it should have ;) I hadn't been out in a looong time so I have to say that it was fun and will now have to wait until after my course to have more fun! But it was worth it!

Now it is almost 10 am and seeing as I am even MORE behind on my studies I am going to do some tidying up and then hit the books for a couple of hours! Nothing can motivate me to study my advanced English grammar book... *sobs* Waaahhhh!!! How on earth do I motivate myself to study grammar?!

Looking over the plateau

I have applied at two schools so far. I've had two telephone interviews. One school will only hire me once I pass the CELTA, but has now told me to just contact them after I've passed the CELTA and they will see if they even have any job opportunities. That was my fault because I am not ready to accept the offer, especially if I might not pass the CELTA (I know, I know, I NEED to be positive but I am preparing myself just in case). I just want job security and to have a job by the time the class is over.

I need a regular income even if it is small. Small income is better than no income.

I'm still waiting to hear from the other school...I hear bad things about these schools (well nothing bad really from the first school), but I also hear good things about these schools. No matter where you go in life there are going to be good and bad aspects in a job, a school, a person, a car, etc etc etc. You just have to take the bad with the good and turn it into a positive and [positive] learning experience.

The school I am waiting for now has summer camps to Singapore...!!! How many of my friends back home can say that they had an opportunity to work at a summer camp in Singapore! That's not the only thing, but that was one of the things that caught my eye.

I have also decided that willing for something to happen does work. The expression "Be careful what you wish for" is true!

For example, I have my own study place at the top floor of our house and the view that I used to have was one of the bookshelves covered with books. It was a little bit of a distraction and there were times where I just wished it wasn't there...well, a few days ago my family and I were all the way downstairs when we heard a big BOOM...We went upstairs to find that that particular shelf fell and strew books all over my study desk and floor.

What's weird is that my little "portable" Zen Garden" and my little Buddhas were NOT even touched and they should have been strewn all over the floor like the rest of the books and materials that were in the way of the fallen shelf...

So now, I have a bare white wall where a shelf would have once been just as I had wished so that I can put my motivational pictures up of Buddhist monks putting gold leaf on a Buddha statue's hands, pictures of Taipei city at night, good luck cat, and anything else to motivate me to get my act together and get to Asia and Taiwan!! As well as to study!

So that's it for today. There is absolutely nothing new going on in my life...if anything a decrease. That is why I am looking over the plateau...I hope things get better and I can start climbing the mountain again...

Here's my quote for the day:

“Every bend in the road brings me new ideas; every dawn gives me fresh feelings.”

- Matsuo Bashō

Fighting Doubt

This quote needs repeating for my own sake:

If the Sun and Moon should Doubt/ They’d immediately Go Out.”

- William Blake

I am very frustrated with myself, I can't shake this doubting feeling that I am going to fail my CELTA course. I keep using phrases like "If I pass the CELTA course, this and this will happen." and my mom keeps yelling at me for it saying "Stop saying that! You will pass it!"

But after my interview for the course, doubt is taking over. I NEED to pass this course! That is about Euros 2000 down the drain if I don't!! The first money I have saved up BY MYSELF in a long time!!! This is my future!!

The grammar part is what is freaking me out! I am trying so hard to remember the 12 verb tenses and etc and I will be going up to a group of Swedish People (who the instructor made clear that the Swedes don't play around when it comes to critiquing English grammar-they are supposedly one of the best non-native English speakers)and trying to explain the Present Perfect Continuous...

But I can't get myself motivated to study my grammar! OK, so today, I will be studying my grammar...I CAN do this!!! No time for negativity!

I have had two telephone interviews so far (amazing how much more confident you feel when you do a job interview in your home and in your pajamas while on the telephone :) ) I am finally feeling good about this. These are first job interviews where I actually did good. The interviewers were positively responsive to my replies which almost never happened especially with interviews at the BIG ad agencies!!!

But there are times when I feel like Rain Man. I have shut myself out from the rest of the world for so long that I can't express myself the way I want to or need to. I end up repeating myself or saying the most asinine things to people. And then I think, "What on earth are you doing??!! You've had classes on Public Speaking, your Bachelor's is in Advertising and you can't speak to one person without rambling over nonsensical ideas?!"

And in July, I will be going up to a classroom of people and teaching! It's been so long since I've had to go up to a group of people and speak. When I was to teach at my interview, I got stage fright! I mean I went up there, but I stammered and my writing on the board was horrible! Ok, I used to sing Italian Opera when I was 14-17 years-old for contests! I auditioned for solos for my school choirs and yet I couldn't get up in front of a class of peers and explain an English sentence that I should have been able to explain!!!

I have to figure something out and fast! As for studying, maybe this is motivation enough for me! I know I can do this! My being a nanny these past few months has also helped my self-esteem. I can deal with children now, even when they are misbehaving. I can talk to them and be stern without being EVIL. I have the EXTREME patience now that I haven't had in a long time.

I guess that is a start.

“A tree as big around as you can reach starts with one small seed; a thousand mile journey starts with one step.”

- Lao-tse

Minerva Rising

" If the Sun and Moon should Doubt/ They’d immediately Go Out.”

- William Blake

My self-esteem is growing more positively as is my motivation to achieve my career goal (among MANY other of my goals).

As a woman, I have been thinking and this is also thanks to the American Doll Posse, that I really do believe in Goddesses, but there are pieces of them in each and every woman. Some women just hide the others and accentuate only one. I feel that we should be attune with ALL of the Goddesses that live inside of us.

For example, one girl might have a couple Greek Goddesses like Aphrodite and Artemis as well as an African or even Egyptian Goddess like Isis as well as a Celtic such as Rhiannon.

Maybe I am committing blasphemy but I think there is a Persephone that I have been accentuating since I was a child, but my Athena and Guan Yin are starting to have their say.

Most of you who read this will think this is obscurely abstract BS(which seems to be my persona lately), but I know there are women out there who feel the same way, otherwise we wouldn't have these songs, albums and books about it!

I am finally starting to feel more at peace, although not completely. I still get upset at things such as the loss of friends (and yes, even family) due to cultural adaptation after living abroad. The mutual interests you all once shared are lost in the many wide gaps of time, communication, age and once again, cultural differences and adaptation. It's as if you live on Mars. I want so bad to stay connected with my friends back home, but when I try to make contact, I get very negative vibes or no responses(which also bring on negative vibes) that says, "You have been erased from my mental database. Everything you say to me is obsolete."

It makes me wonder if I should still even try to stay connected or in contact? I miss them so much, and even though I may never go back, they are still my friends and I love hearing about what is going on in their lives, even if I am not there physically.

I never meant to hurt their feelings, which is another sense that I get from them. As if to say, "You're the one who left, you don't care about your friends so why should we even try?"

Sometimes, you have to leave your friends and family behind to search for yourself and make YOU a better person. You need to love yourself(truly) before you can love others. And sometimes, you need to know when you're friends want to rinse themselves clean of you and move on. I guess now it is that time.

This isn't meant for one person individually, this refers to all of my friends and family. It is a phenomenon that I have been dealing with for the past couple of years and have decided now is the time to write about it, since I am making the decision to move EVEN farther away (not Mars, though...not yet anyway). Apparently, I am not the only one in this position which is morbidly refreshing. This sort of thing happens all the time, and I have to learn to let it go.

“There is always a piece of fortune in misfortune.”

- Japanese Proverb

Baby Steps Toward Certainty and Guan Yin

I was going to wait to make a blog until after I had settled down in Asia, but I thought the process of getting to Asia is just as important if not more than being there...The learning process never stops, but it has to start somewhere. I can't document the beginning of this process, but I can document from this point on.

I've been listening to Tori and it's made me whimsically philosophical. This might be a phase and in my next blog I might be a completely different personality which is usually the case. I also watched Stranger than Fiction last night which has also affected my mood. Great movie though!