Fighting Doubt

This quote needs repeating for my own sake:

If the Sun and Moon should Doubt/ They’d immediately Go Out.”

- William Blake

I am very frustrated with myself, I can't shake this doubting feeling that I am going to fail my CELTA course. I keep using phrases like "If I pass the CELTA course, this and this will happen." and my mom keeps yelling at me for it saying "Stop saying that! You will pass it!"

But after my interview for the course, doubt is taking over. I NEED to pass this course! That is about Euros 2000 down the drain if I don't!! The first money I have saved up BY MYSELF in a long time!!! This is my future!!

The grammar part is what is freaking me out! I am trying so hard to remember the 12 verb tenses and etc and I will be going up to a group of Swedish People (who the instructor made clear that the Swedes don't play around when it comes to critiquing English grammar-they are supposedly one of the best non-native English speakers)and trying to explain the Present Perfect Continuous...

But I can't get myself motivated to study my grammar! OK, so today, I will be studying my grammar...I CAN do this!!! No time for negativity!

I have had two telephone interviews so far (amazing how much more confident you feel when you do a job interview in your home and in your pajamas while on the telephone :) ) I am finally feeling good about this. These are first job interviews where I actually did good. The interviewers were positively responsive to my replies which almost never happened especially with interviews at the BIG ad agencies!!!

But there are times when I feel like Rain Man. I have shut myself out from the rest of the world for so long that I can't express myself the way I want to or need to. I end up repeating myself or saying the most asinine things to people. And then I think, "What on earth are you doing??!! You've had classes on Public Speaking, your Bachelor's is in Advertising and you can't speak to one person without rambling over nonsensical ideas?!"

And in July, I will be going up to a classroom of people and teaching! It's been so long since I've had to go up to a group of people and speak. When I was to teach at my interview, I got stage fright! I mean I went up there, but I stammered and my writing on the board was horrible! Ok, I used to sing Italian Opera when I was 14-17 years-old for contests! I auditioned for solos for my school choirs and yet I couldn't get up in front of a class of peers and explain an English sentence that I should have been able to explain!!!

I have to figure something out and fast! As for studying, maybe this is motivation enough for me! I know I can do this! My being a nanny these past few months has also helped my self-esteem. I can deal with children now, even when they are misbehaving. I can talk to them and be stern without being EVIL. I have the EXTREME patience now that I haven't had in a long time.

I guess that is a start.

“A tree as big around as you can reach starts with one small seed; a thousand mile journey starts with one step.”

- Lao-tse